Face-Time with Santa


Lisa Jameson hates Christmas and she isn’t very fond of children either. Nothing unique there – most of New York City fits this description. What is unique is that she has found a way to make some money off all that negativity:

“Sure at the mall we get to stand in a conveyor line of people and get a quick chance to spurt out “Football” on his lap before sliding down the slide, but that’s not personal enough for any of us to really care about or remember.”

The lap onto which we “spurt out football” belongs to Santa, and her plan to make the tradition more “personal” requires a credit card and an ipad or some other Facetime or Skype enabled device.

“Imagine this for a moment; It’s Christmas season and you tell your family during dinner or while in the living room that you received a message from Santa himself! Everyone is surprised and eager to hear more, so you proceed to turn the Face-Time With Santa DVD on.”

Before you get your hopes up, whether you tell them during dinner or while in the living room doesn’t really matter – your family will only be “surprised and eager to hear more” if you were raised by idiots.

Jameson goes on to explain that you’re going to see a video of Santa in a house and then you are going to send him a message. This part is pretty involved and not very festive so you might want to have a lawyer present.

“The message can be whatever you like it to be making sure it’s 2 minutes or less. A good way to measure this is that the average amount of words per minute for an audio book is 140-150, so your message should be somewhere around 280-300 words or less. If it runs a little over while filming we will finish the take and if it’s a great video message we will still use it.”

If it’s a great video message? Hey, look what Santa brought us – more stress.

If all this hasn’t drained all the joy from your yuletide, Jameson has an even more diabolical premium plan.

“Three minute sessions, not including video set up time, between Santa and whoever you choose, to talk about whatever Christmas or Christmas related topics you would like to talk about…the actor(s) will have signed a business contract beforehand to ensure they stay within the guidelines during the conversation that go along with any type of live video interaction between actors and the public.“

Unemployed actors improvising within contractual guidelines remotely on Christmas-related topics with whoever you choose… I think an angel just got its wings.